Vacation Chatlog (5 of 6)

Characters: IC!Mahaado, OOC!Honda
Setting: pre-dawn, Mayan ballcourt (still second city)
Rating: PG
Summary: Following the previous night's drama-filled conversation, Mahaado and Honda have a more comforting serious conversation.


It was about an hour before sunrise. The air was still, save for the light of a small fire spell in the ancient ballcourt. Mahaado was searching for the ring that he threw.

Meanwhile Honda was sitting in one of the temples, in fact one he'd spent a large portion of the night in. He hadn't decided yet if he thought Doctor was wrong about the local deities not liking people spending the night outdoors, possibly right considering Honda had spent a majority of the night within walls, indeterminate just like Honda wasn't sure if Doctor actually believed, or if the entire issue nulled by the fact that Honda hadn't actually slept.

The ring... was just nowhere to be found. "I saw it go through the circle," he muttered to himself. "I know I saw it."

Eventually Honda peered out of the temple and noticed Mahaado's fire. He sighed and left the temple to quietly walk over. Cautiously, since he had no idea if Mahaado wanted to be around him or not.

Eventually, the fire stopped wandering. It seemed to be sitting still, next to the wall.

Honda allowed himself to get only as close as the edge of the firelight, stopping so as to keep himself mostly in the pre-dawn semi-darkness. "I see you decided to come back," Honda greeted Mahaado.

Mahaado slowly looked up. From the light of the fire, it was clear that his cheeks were damp. He was... crying.
"I cannot find it..."

Honda didn't have to ask what Mahaado meant by 'it', although the rest of the situation surprised him some. "I didn't know you'd come out here looking for it," he replied, sitting down.

"Part of me wishes that it will never be found. But another part of me... cannot bear to let that part succeed." he whispered.

"Why?" Honda asked quietly, watching Mahaado closely for any signals if he should change topics.

"Because..." he found it really hard to say this. "Because part of me does... want it. Wants a family, I mean... Wants some of what happened in the vision to come true..."

Honda nodded slightly. "You seemed to at least partially enjoy being a family with Kafele, y'kno, before. But the other part of you, the part that doesn't want the ring to be found...?"

"Is the same part of me I should fear right now, is it not? - The part that tries to drink away my insecurities and cling tightly to the ways of the past."

"...I wouldn't say you should fear that part," Honda decided after a moment of thought. "If anything, that's the part that needs the most attention right now. So you can find new ways of dealing with it, instead of drinking and self-harm."

"Things are never going to be as they were in Khemet. The world has changed... and I... Is it wrong, to wish that I could change, just a little? Do you think that I am committing an act of betrayal?"

"No, I don't think it's a betrayal." Honda didn't point out that it seemed like everyone else had already changed long ago, figuring Mahaado didn't really need to think about the ramifications of that right now. "In Egypt... did things always stay exactly the same, never changing?"

"... well... no..."

Honda smiled a little. "And we both know things don't stay the same in Domino for very long. Even here, things haven't stayed precisely the same. Has the world somehow betrayed you by changing?"

"Certainly not..."

"Then I'd say the world can hardly be betrayed by you allowing yourself to change too."

Mahaado was silent for a few minutes. "What if I... I am frightened?"

"Then you admit, at least to yourself, that you are rather than trying to drown the fear in alcohol," Honda replied. "You ask yourself why you're frightened, if it's for a good reason or an irrational one. You decide if the fear is a reason to not change, or if it's better for you to change despite the fear."

Mahaado looked back up at Honda. "I am frightened that if I were to be part of a family, living as a sorcerer does with responsibilities it would betray the world for me not to accept, that I would hurt them or worse."

Honda shrugged. "I can't tell you if that's a rational or irrational fear, no more than I can tell you if that's a fear that should stop you or not. I can say however that from what little I know of Delwyn, she strikes me as someone who might be willing to take that risk if you are."

"Is... the possibility of happiness worth such a high risk?"

Honda closed his eyes. "To some people... yeah, it is. Some might even think that, considering how much risk everything seems to have in your life, it's not that big of a risk compared with everything else. But ultimately, it's up to only you and her to say if it's worth the risk."

Mahaado was in total silence. He'd never quite thought of it that way before. He was always willing to risk far more than any sorcerer should dare risk, and he survived. He always survived. Could... could a... dare he even think the word, a 'relationship' survive? Could a family survive?

Shifting to lay on his back, Honda quietly stared up at the stars, debating what else if anything to say. There were a lot of things he wanted to say and ask after all, most of which he likely shouldn't. "...You said before, that romantic love isn't like friends," he started, only to realize he wasn't sure where to go from there.

Mahaado glanced over. "Yes, I remember saying that."

"I'm still not sure I get it," Honda admitted without looking over.

"What do you mean?"

Honda blinked, wondering what there was to not understand in his statement of not understanding. "I don't get it," he repeated. "Obviously there's stuff I wouldn't do with you that I'd do with someone I like romantically, but aside from that what's the difference? What makes romantic love... better?"

"I would not necessarily say better, friend Honda. Simply different." Mahaado sighed. "Different, unusual, and unknown to me."

"You certainly made it sound like you think it's better, or a deeper connection, or something," Honda snorted.

"The connection that I had with Kafele, when he was a mere infant in the shadow realm - if I could but feel such a connection again. It was magic that I have never before and rarely since experienced. A bond that was stronger than any friendship I have ever known."

"...He's your ka. Good or bad, isn't a deep connection kinda expected?" Honda wasn't sure what that had to do with the previous topic of romantic love either, but he waited to point that out.

"No... he was more like my son..."

"Oh... okay." Honda looked a Mahaado from the corner of his eye for just a moment, then quickly turned his face away and clamped his eyes closed. "Another lesson about families apparently I was never given," he muttered.

"You have Ro, do you not?"

"Well, yeah... What's that got to do with anything though?"

"Do you not feel... accepted when you are close to him? Does his presence not give you strength?"

"I wouldn't say it gives me strength, but yeah I feel accepted when he's around. He knows what I think, knows everything about me after all. You going somewhere with this conversation?"

Mahaado looked down. He did miss having a family, even if it really was only his ka. "I... guess not... my apologies."

"Eh, just checking. I wasn't seeing what this talk about Ro was supposed to have to do with talk of romantic love or you loving Kafele as a son. But topic-jumping is fine too."

"My apologies..." he looked down. He remembered what Honda had told him of his past - a family that did not care for him, perhaps hardly even loved him. Would offering to be family with Delwyn be the same as Honda and his sister? Would she grow to despise him? Or could it actually... turn out all right? "I... should go back to looking for the ring. Ra will rise soon, and maybe he can shed light as to where I so disrespectfully tossed it."

Honda sighed and lifted a hand above him. "One," he held up one finger, "you already gave me your apologies like ten seconds ago, no need to gimme them again for the same thing. And two..." Honda held up a second finger for a moment, then let his hand drop. "You could look over where it landed for a week and not find it, sorry. Like I said earlier, I didn't know you'd come out here looking for it, especially not before sunrise."

"Oh... It is in the hands of Ma'at again, is it not?" Mahaado hung his head in defeat. "I... I guess I lost my chance after all..."

Honda opened his eyes, just so he could blink at that statement. "...Dude, you come to some odd conclusions sometimes," he finally said. "It's not lost, Ma'at didn't snatch it away, I'm just not giving it back til you make up your mind if you want it or not. Seems a waste to give it back only for you to decide to toss it again after all."

"You picked it up after I threw it away... just like you keep picking me up when I keep throwing my life away..."

"Uhh..." Well, that definitely wasn't something Honda had expected to hear. "Um, sure, if you'd like to see it that way."

Mahaado gave him a small smile, and wiped his eyes. He slowly put his arms around Honda and gave him a soft squeeze. "Thank you."

"Um... I, uh... er... th..." Honda floundered a bit before hesitantly putting an arm around Mahaado in return. "...You're welcome?"

That was all that needed to be said.